It's a sensitive subject, but a parenting expert says the answer is pretty clear.
By Barbara Turvett, Working Mother
One breezy, balmy New York City summer afternoon, I was walking my
then-6-year-old daughter to ballet day camp. On the way, we ran into one
of her fellow dance campmates and her caregiver. As we all
lightheartedly strolled together, the girls cavorting a few yards
ahead of the adults, the other child suddenly pushed and punched my
daughter. My child wasn’t hurt, but I was disturbed and immediately ran
to them, got down to eye level with the other girl and firmly said, “We
don’t hit or push; we use our words, not our hands.” The child burst
into uncontrollable shrieks and sobs, carrying on for what seemed like
hours (really only minutes) before her caregiver could calm her. It was
as if I was the wicked witch of Manhattan.
[post_ads]Did I do the wrong thing? After all, we weren’t in my home—we were
out on the street. But she did hit my daughter, and I confess that made
me furious. Still, I didn’t harm the child, nor did I shout. I just
admonished and corrected her. But I didn’t know her that well and I
didn’t know her parents. Would she tell her mother and would her mother
turn on me? Should I have ignored the roughness and just let it slide?
And what if the situation were reversed and my daughter did the hitting?
How would I feel if another parent disciplined her? Do parents have any
right to discipline someone else’s kid?
Turns out, I probably
reacted appropriately, even though the girl was distraught that I called
her on her actions. “People don’t step in nearly enough,” says
educational psychologist Michele Borba, EdD, Today show parenting contributor and the author of more than 20 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
“A parent is right to step in with another’s child, particularly when
there are aggression or safety issues. It’s not only your right, it’s
your responsibility.” And if the kids are hanging out in your home or
you’re in charge, you have every right to set the ground rules and then
intervene when there are behavior problems, she adds.
If
another child will be at your house, or if you determine that there’s
an aggression or safety situation in the park or playground, Dr. Borba
recommends these strategies:
Review the rules with your child. Remind her of your
core family policy: “It doesn’t matter what your friend does at her
house; these are our rules.” Then post them on the fridge. While she’s
not responsible for her friend’s behavior as they play, she can say,
“We’re not allowed in my daddy’s office.”
Anticipate problems. Before the friend comes over or
joins you at the park, set up a discipline plan. Invite the friend’s
parent or caregiver in for coffee for a few minutes, or give a quick
pre-playdate phone call to the mom when you’re both at work. Say
something like, “I know there will be times when my child misbehaves.
What would you like me to do if your child does?” You want to know what
the other family’s policy is so you can set up a just-in-case plan.
Discipline, don’t punish. For example, if there’s a
row, you could say, “Looks like you kids need to sit it out for a
minute,” rather than, “You’re out of control so go take a time out.” And
never spank or even yell at someone else’s child. “Use your teacher
voice,” suggests Dr. Borba. “Be firm without shouting.” If the other
child continues to misbehave and defy you and your rules, give warning,
then say you’ll have to call her mother if this continues. If things
persist, call her parent and say, “I need you to take your child home.”
You’re in the right to separate the kids if a parent or caregiver can’t
come till later, Dr. Borba adds.
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Debrief afterward. If you weren’t able to check with
the parent ahead of time about rules, be sure to relate any incidents
at pick-up time: “We had a little problem today with some hitting, so I
was very clear to say we don’t hit in our house.”
Refrain if the other parent is present. “You should
not discipline the other child if her parent is there,” warns Dr. Borba.
But if there’s an altercation, you might say, “Okay, kids, you need a
little time away from each other,” or, “You both need to turn off the
computer right now.” With younger children, you can always say, calmly,
“We don’t hit each other in our house. We play nice and use our words.”
Follow through at the playground. Be careful about
intervening with a child you don’t know when things are mild, but don’t
let bigger problems go. You can say to another child: “We don’t
hit—hitting hurts. If you can’t play nicely, you can’t play with Alice.”
You can also ask where her mom or babysitter is; you want to find out
if the child is supervised. If she’s with a caregiver, take her by the
hand as you say, “Let’s go find your babysitter.” You need to be careful
not to overstep in these instances, says Dr. Borba, “but you really
don’t need to allow kids to get away with hurtful behavior.” Overall,
this can be sensitive ground, so be careful with your tone and your
words. “It’s not your job to lay your values on another’s child,”
reminds Dr. Borba. “It is your job to, when necessary, use discipline as
a teaching tool. It’s ethical parenting.”
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