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By Dana Hewitt, Mom.me
“Babies are so sweet!”
Yeah, sure. They’re sweet when they’re sleeping, when they are being
nice, being quiet, being predictable and unchallenging. They smell like
heaven and their soft skin melts our hearts.
Then they grow out of that angelic state,
and somewhere within them lies a wild side we cautiously try to tame.
It’s usually no fault of their own—they're simply learning the
boundaries of life. But, honestly, some of the things kids to do their
parents are simply NOT COOL.
They pull your hair, scream, make messes, pinch you anywhere they can and, once toddlerhood comes along, the attitude and defiance starts. Maybe they are doing this on purpose, to make life hell for Mom and Dad.
There
have been times throughout my mothering years where I've felt
frustrated with how the day was going, that nothing I was doing made a
difference because I still felt like we were on competing sides. I
wanted things clean; they wanted things messy. I wanted to nap; they
wanted to jump on my face. I wanted to go for a drive; they wanted to
scream in the car the whole time. Why were my kids trying to ruin
everything?!
Thankfully, my aha moment came and snapped me out of
my mommy martyrdom. I realized I had been loving my kids and motherhood
conditionally. I loved the precious moments. I loved the
Instagram-worthy moments. I loved one-on-one time with the kids. I loved
reading to them at night before tucking them into sleep.
But I didn’t love changing yet another diaper. I didn’t love cleaning yet another potty accident.
I didn’t love making a dinner that would be complained about and
half-eaten. I didn’t love feeling outnumbered. I didn’t love getting
drenched at bath time, stepping on toys I could have sworn I had just
picked up, or the crying, tantrums and fighting. There was a lot about motherhood I simply didn’t enjoy.
For
a moment, shame washed over me. I was aware of all the women out there
wanting children. I was aware of all of the children who are hurting or
hungry. I was aware of my privilege and the privilege of my children.
And then I realized something: I needed to validate my own feelings.
I didn’t love all of motherhood and that had to be OK. I don’t have
to love it. Where in the manual of life does it say that you HAVE to
love every aspect of a job? Why do we feel so conditioned to believe
this is such a special experience in life, that we aren't allowed to share that there are things about it that drive us up the wall?
The
relief I felt by practicing some self-compassion lifted such a heavy
load from my shoulders and helped my day to feel not so polarized. It
also helped me realize how selfish I was being, that I was forgetting
not only is this my motherhood, but it’s my kids’ childhood. That’s way more important than how I’m feeling about certain aspects of this role.
I now more fully understand what loving somebody unconditionally truly means.
So,
Mama, whether you’re in the middle of a poopy diaper or a sweet cuddle
with your little one, remember that it’s OK to not love every single
part of this. More good moments will come after the crappy moments
subside but that doesn’t mean you have to always wear a smile and love
it.
I love my kids unconditionally, no matter what, but I definitely can't say the same about motherhood.
