6 Ways To Raise A Compassionate Little Human

Simple, effective strategies to encourage kindness in your kid.

By Bonnie Vengrow, Good Housekeeping

You cheer when your kid scores a goal and celebrate every stellar report card, but are you showing that same kind of exuberance when she holds open the door for a stranger or invites the new kid at school to join her at lunch?

Probably not—at least if recent research is any indication. Take, for instance, a 2014 study by researchers at the Harvard University Graduate School of Education. Some 80% of the 10,000 kids surveyed said they believed their parents and teachers cared more about their achievement and happiness than whether they cared for other people.

Yet experts are quick to point out that compassion, or the ability to empathize with someone in need and want to help them out, is anything but touchy-feely mumbo jumbo. In fact, studies have found that it’s not just a nice way to go through life, it can also help set up your child for long-term success. “Kids who are kind are popular, have better relationships with friends, and, eventually with spouses,” says Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. “Empathy is also the best employability factor, because you can get into the shoes of the client and figure out what they need.”

Though being nice to others is a lesson you drill home to a toddler, it’s just as important to reinforce when kids are older. Here are some easy but effective ways you can teach your child to be more compassionate.

Don’t Curse The Guy Who Cuts You Off In Traffic

Or gossip about a neighbor or trash talk about your mother-in-law or engage in other less-than-kind acts. Tough, we know, but kids learn through imitation, and the people they’re watching most closely are their parents. Translation: if your kids see you being sensitive, thoughtful, and compassionate toward others, chances are they’ll mimic that same behavior.

“Modeling generous acts has been shown to be the most effective way to teach and support these values in children, rather than simply speaking about engaging in generous behaviors,” explains Nancy Weinrib, LMSW, a New York City-based clinical social worker who specializes in families with infants and young children. “This type of modeling produces an enormous impact on children of all ages, beginning in early childhood.” In other words, actions speak louder than words, so make yours count.

Make Compassion Part Of The Daily Conversation

It seems like a no-brainer, but talking about emotions and labeling feelings early on helps build your child’s emotional literacy, which in turn promotes empathy and compassion. “They’ll have to be able to look and see when someone else is sad; they’ll have to have emotional literacy to exhibit kindness,” Borba says.

Also try making kindness a focal point in your home by working it into your daily conversations with your child. “Make compassion matter in your home by talking about it more,” she says. “When the kids walk in the door from school, don’t ask how they did on that test right away. Ask what kind things they did that day.”

Create A Caring Mantra

Work together to come up with a motto that describes who you are as a family. When Borba was researching her book, she found that children who grew up with a so-called caring mantra really took the words to heart. One woman grew up repeating the motto, “We’re the caring Johnson family. We help, don’t hurt.” The family would recite it whenever they walked out the door, and her grandmother even embroidered it on a pillow (which she brought to college). “Just because the words are so simple doesn’t mean they’re not powerful,” Borba says. “A good caring mantra is about repeating the simple things that matter most to you and your family.”

Make Kindness A Habit

There are plenty of ways to kick-start your compassion campaign, but the secret to making it stick is to do kind things together regularly. “That spirals into kindness, and kindness breeds compassion when it becomes a habit,” Borba says. “And kids need to get into the habit to do it.” Some ideas:

• Try volunteering for a charitable organization or giving your time to helping an elderly or ill neighbor.
• Put a box by the front door and encourage everyone to drop their gently used toys, clothes, and games in there. When the box is full, deliver it together to a shelter.
• Challenge your family to do or say two kind things every day.
• Create a list of compassionate acts, and hang it on the refrigerator for all to see.

Encourage good manners, like smiling, saying “please” and “thank you,” and holding the door open for people.

Call Out Compassionate Behavior

Reading books about good-hearted people has a place, but nothing compares to seeing compassion in action. When you spot a thoughtful act or gesture—say, someone giving up a seat on the bus for an elderly person—point it out for your child. At the same time, praise them when you see them do good. Just resist the urge to heap on too many compliments—a simple “you’re a great helper” or “that was so helpful” is sufficient. “Openly acknowledge particular behaviors when they are observed, and move on,” Weinrib says. “Overpraising can set up a standard for perfection that none of us can ever reach.”

Be Consistent And Patient

Is it embarrassing when your child is selfish or greedy or rude? Absolutely. But before you threaten a time out, hit the pause button. Overreacting won’t get you very far—neither will ignoring the bad behavior. Instead, encourage your child to name the feelings that prompted his unkind behavior as well as the feelings of the person on the receiving end. (It’s okay to help him out if he goes mute.) Labeling emotions helps kids feel understood, which can help them work toward the desired end goal: empathy. Also consider how much freedom you give yourself to act on some not-nice impulses, Weinrib says. “When we see how much room we provide ourselves, it becomes more tolerable to do the same for our children,” she explains.

When it comes to discipline, consider your kid’s maturity level and intentionality, Borba adds. For some children, a pointed look or a quiet, “I’m disappointed in you” are enough to shut down unkind behavior, while others need plenty of reminders. Whatever method you choose, stick with it. “Inconsistency is the biggest mistake we parents make because kids are waiting to see that you really don’t mean what you say,” she says. “They’ll figure out your soft spot, and disciplining them just gets harder.” Her advice? Choose your battles. “Figure out what your red flag behaviors are, and immediately hold to them each time. Slowly, the bad behavior will begin to fade.”


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