By Amanda Kippert, The Family Handyman
Your kitchen table says more about you than you may think.A family heirloom or a garage sale find, shiny and new or missing a leg—kitchen tables are as unique as their owners. Each one, and the things that top it, is the perfect descriptor of you and your family.
If your kitchen table is invisible due to it being a catchall for everything no one wants to put away…
You're a dreamer. You dream of the day when you can not only find those matching placemats you bought at one time, but actually use them. You fantasize about the day when you'll have time to declutter the way some people dream about the day they'll visit the Eiffel Tower.
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You have big plans for the future, and they are outlined on at least six different Pinterest boards. You want to start your own business, and you'd be great at it too, if only you had a table from which to work from. You know that buried underneath those layers of month-old mail, half-completed puzzles, impulse Target purchases and a sleeping cat lives a space for you to make things happen. Big things. Shark Tank-esque things.
If your kitchen table is oversized, pristine, surrounded by tufted chairs and looks like it could be on the cover of Architectural Digest...
You like being fancy. If your name is Nancy, the nickname practically writes itself. You own at least three fondue pots, your teacups are made out of bone china and you have multiple sets of towels that no one has ever breathed on because they're solely for display purposes.
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Your obsession started when the Bedazzler was invented and you've only known a blinged-out life since then. You have a room in your house dedicated entirely to gift-wrapping and the door is password protected because god forbid anyone try to mess up your ribbon spools. You love a good decorative pine cone and you insist on sit-down dinners every night with the family. Linen napkins and restrained political discussions are involved.
If your kitchen table has five plates of completely different food on it starting to cool …
There are tiny humans in your house. They are all bottomless pits but require very specific meals due to their discerning natures, much like seasoned food critics. You, being the dutiful cook you are, entertain these requests partly because you're a people pleaser and partly because you just don't want to endure incessant whining about how 'carrots are yuck.' You aim to make those in your life happy—young and old alike.
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You never forget a birthday, you like to send cards 'just because' and you introduce yourself with the words, 'Sorry, I'm a hugger!' You're famous for a specific cookie recipe and often drop them off on the doorstep—in a decorative basket of course—of anyone who's had a rough day. The reward for your endless thoughtfulness? Just the self-satisfaction that you're helping make the world a happier place. Well, that and a fridge covered in crayoned love notes.
If your kitchen table is glass …
You're a daredevil. You aren't afraid of fingerprints, watermarks or snakes. You have an unregulated zipline through your backyard. You wear white pants while making homemade marinara. Aprons are for wimps. You believe life is a risk or nothing at all and you're thinking of getting that tattooed somewhere—is the lower back acceptable again?
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You love bold fashion statements, like an unexpected hat, and consider neon yellow the new black. Your favorite Friday night activity are those wine and paint nights, except you never follow the directions and always go abstract while everyone else paints a cactus. Your retirement plans include buying a tiny house and learning how to make chunky jewelry.
If your kitchen table is mildly sticky at all times …
Listen, there aren't enough hours in the day. It's either you sacrifice basic personal hygiene (and deodorant is important) or a few household chores—cleaning that table being one of them. You just can't anymore. Your work schedule is insane right now and just getting yourself and your family out of the house on time is like an Olympic sport every morning. You would probably get a bronze. It's OK—everyone got breakfast, even if the littlest one just had two Girl Scout cookies and a cheese stick, but at least all family members left with shoes on, including yourself.
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Since no one but you is capable of actually putting a dish into the dishwasher (they must not know this trick), you'll call cereal bowls in the sink a win. You may describe yourself as 'scatterbrained' but everyone around you says you're amazing for juggling so many things simultaneously. Not only are you rocking your job, you're also rocking life in general. It's OK to pass off grocery store sugar cookies for your own at the bake sale, just like it's OK to consider wet wipes a suitable bath alternative for people under 6. You don't have time for gratitude lists or meditation apps, but you do have time to read half of a Curious George book before falling asleep in a toddler bed. You're doing your best and that's all that matters.
If your kitchen table looks out over the beach …
You're winning at life. You sold that book/business/invention and now you sip your morning coffee while watching the waves crash in. Your friends are insanely jealous even though they insist they 'love the cold!' of the East Coast. Your favorite food is freshly caught oysters and you only drink French press coffee.
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Your Instagram is full of you doing elegant yoga poses and pictures of a seagull you've named Fredrick who lands on your deck every afternoon. You give him small pieces of ahi tuna. Would your friends call you pretentious? Not if they want to use your guest room they wouldn't.
If your kitchen table is collecting dust …
You love a good TV tray and Wheel of Fortune. You've applied to be on a dozen times and are confused as to why they haven't called you yet, but you're pretty sure it's because they know you'd be too proficient at it. You love family movie nights, food that doesn't require utensils and collecting throw pillows with witty sayings on them.
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You'll always choose comfort over style and make no excuses for it—if rubber clogs weren't cool, then why are they sold everywhere? You consider your dog smarter than most people and you're thinking about starting a blog where you muse about life's ironies and also share your flea market finds.
